Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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