I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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