Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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