Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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