I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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