3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
