I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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