So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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