You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
