you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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