Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
