I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
