The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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