This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
