I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize