im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
