Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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