ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
