Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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