Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
