I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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