Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
