haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize