somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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