sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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