The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
