Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
