Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
