Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
