Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
