I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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