i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
