And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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