Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
