u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
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