please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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