I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I checked into jail on foursquare
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
