They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
