His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
