I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
