So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize