i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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