Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
