these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
