if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
