I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
