she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Houston, we have a squirter
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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