I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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