@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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