they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
