This is not my ceiling
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
