I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It's official drugs can't kill me
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
