is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
