I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
