i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
