All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
