I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We need to rekindle our bromance
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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