Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
