Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
