I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
