We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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