I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
