I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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