Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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